Generosity, Boundaries, and Service: Lessons from My Mother’s Living Room

Growing up, generosity wasn’t just a value—it was a way of life, thanks to my mother. The title of this post is a nod to when I started cooking at Mami’s and I would ask her, “Mami, cuanto ago? How much should I make?” Her response would always be the same, “Pa que falte, que sobre” meaning, I should make a more food than what we normally would just in case someone showed up. Our home in New York was the go-to space for anyone seeking a good meal, heartfelt conversation, and a safe place to be seen and heard. Whether you were a regular or a first-time visitor, you left feeling lighter, more connected. Even today, if you visit my mother, she’ll offer you a meal, something to drink, and a comfortable spot on her couch to talk through whatever is weighing on your mind. Her living room was, and still is, a place of belonging—a place where everyone is welcome to share their stories, sorrows, and joys.

Beyond offering food and shelter, my mother’s generosity extended to emotional support and guidance. With limited resources, she managed to uplift our community, both in New York and back in Santo Domingo, Dominica Republic. Her unwavering support was especially crucial when I, as a young queer woman, struggled with my own identity. I often heard her pushing back against homophobic comments, creating a space where I felt seen, loved, and ultimately safe enough to come out to her. Her inclusive acts enhanced my sense of worth and helped me embrace my authenticity.

My mother has always been a fierce advocate for those she loves. She’ll connect you to resources, drive you to appointments, or link you with someone who has the answers you need. Her well of abundance runs deep, despite material limitations, and it’s this spirit of service that has shaped my own commitment to helping others.

However, having the reputation of being someone of service can have its challenges. I’ve experienced burnout from overextending myself, too often, without prioritizing my own well-being. It’s taken years to find a balance between being generous and protecting my energy and I still find myself toggling between the two at times. However, I’ve learned that it’s not selfish to set limits—it’s necessary for sustainability. Here are a few strategies that help me stay grounded in my values without losing myself in the process:

1. Define Your Core Values

Identify the core values that guide your generosity. For me, sharing knowledge is a key value so I adopt a mindset of “We Can All Win” as a key value. This means, when asked to share my experiences or knowledge, this is an area where I am more likely to extend myself. Identifying the importance of this value for myself helps me prioritize my support. This helps me operate from a place of abundance, and create a ripple effect of growth and opportunity for others.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries are essential when you’re known as the person who always “shows up.” Sometimes it means you have to learn to say “no” without feeling like you have failed but are instead focusing on self-care and preservation. Establishing boundaries allows you to manage your time, energy, and resources (mental, emotional, financial), so you can continue to give without depleting yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup—set boundaries that protect your well-being while still allowing you to show up for others…fully and abundantly.

3. Build Reciprocal Relationships

Generosity flows both ways. Just as you offer support, allow others to show up for you. I’ve experienced moments of burnout when I’ve gone silent, and my community has been there to check in, invite me to dinner, or simply keep company. Building reciprocal relationships helps you refill your cup, so you can continue to show up for others, just as my mother has done in her living room for decades.

Final Thoughts

Sustainable generosity means knowing your limits, honoring your values, and surrounding yourself with a community that supports you. My mother’s living room may have been the physical space where I learned these lessons, but it’s through my own journey of setting boundaries and practicing self-care that I’ve truly embraced the power of service. In a world where many of us carry intersecting identities, it’s even more important to cultivate spaces of care and support—for ourselves and for others.

Ask yourself:

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